Title: Mynopoly
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Genre: Episode tag: Ep XI: 2 Samsara
Relationship(s): n/a
Content Rating: G
Warnings: n/a
Author Notes: I was fourteen when I first saw Red Dwarf, and over three decades later I remain a big fan. This is my first attempt to write any fanfiction for it.
Beta: Grammarly
Word Count: 1,163
Summary: Rimmer wants a Mynopoly rematch. Lister is less keen.
The day after they’d returned from the doomed Samsara, Rimmer accosted Lister in the sleeping quarters. “It’s the only thing that makes sense; when the dice kept coming up with a two and a one, it was because we were in the karma field.”
“What’s your point?” Lister asked, most of his attention on watching the re-run of his favourite Zero-G football match.
“Then it only happened because you were cheating!” Rimmer pointed an accusing finger at Lister. “The reversed karma field rewarded you by making me roll a two and a one over and over again! Seven times in a row!”
Lister smirked. “Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. It’s a bit hard to prove now, and besides, you already surrendered.”
Rimmer narrowed his eyes and flared his nostrils. “I demand a recount.”
Lister rolled his eyes. “There’s nothing to count; it’s not a counting game.”
“Then I demand a rematch,” Rimmer insisted. “You cheated. The result is declared null and void, and we should play again.”
Lister sat up a bit straighter. “Pause.” The game on the screen obediently paused before going to the standard ship screen saver. “Without in any way admitting that I cheated, what would the stakes of this rematch involve?”
“The same stakes as the original,” said Rimmer. “Only doubled, since you erroneously claimed a victory that wasn’t yours.”
Lister relaxed back on the sofa. “Doesn’t interest me, Rimmer. Come up with something I want.”
Rimmer’s nostrils flared even wider. “Lister, I order you to play Mynopoly with me!”
Lister snorted. “Resume.”
“Off!” said Rimmer. “Lister, I’m the superior technician; I’m giving you a direct order!”
“And I’m giving you a direct refusal. Rimmer, why are you making such a big deal about this?”
“I told you, unbeaten since birth! My Mynopoly reputation is on the line, and I demand a rematch!”
“No.” Lister got up, shrugging into his jacket. “Now, since it doesn’t look like I’ll be watching the rest of the match, I think I’ll find the cat and see if he wants to play table golf or durex volleyball.”
“I will win, Lister!” Rimmer called after him.
Lister flipped two fingers as he disappeared around the corner.
Rimmer gnashed his teeth in impotent fury. Why could Lister never behave like an appropriate subordinate?
Something had to be done.
v^v^v
It took him an hour to come up with a plan.
Almost as soon as he’d worked it out, a key element walked right in, mop and bucket in hand.
“Afternoon, Mr Rimmer, sir.” Kryten was his usual cheerful self. “I see Mr Lister finally got tired of watching Mr Bexley Speed winning the 46th Zero-G football championship. I thought I’d take this opportunity to give the place a bit of a tidy.”
Rimmer ignored Kryten’s meaningless babble with the skill of a man used to having to wade through irritating prattle on a daily basis. “Never mind that, I need your help. Lister owes me a Mynopoly rematch but refuses to play. You’re going to convince him it’s in his best interests to do so. Find out where he keeps his stash of Kochanski memorabilia, raid it and bring everything to me.”
“But, sir,” Kryten objected, “that is theft, and my programming—”
“It isn’t theft,” Rimmer interrupted. “Those items are stolen property and as the senior technician, I’m ordering you to confiscate them. If he wants them back, he can play me for them.” He puffed out his chest. “I think you’ll find that Space Corps Directive 721 is in my favour.”
“Space Corps Directive 13649721: No officer is to follow orders given by any fish or other piscine equivalent onboard registered vessels unless a duly authorised exception certificate can be witnessed by the captain of said vessel prior to said orders being issued. I’m sorry, sir, but I fail to see the relevance.”
Rimmer’s scowl deepened. “I mean the one about not looting dead crew-members personal effects without permission from the captain.”
“Ah,” Kryten nodded. “You refer to Space Core Directive 13649712. Which, if I may be so bold to point out, you have also violated.”
“Perhaps, but as the person with the senior most rank on this vessel, I am, in effect, the acting captain, and I hereby absolve myself of all breaches of said Space Corps Directive.” Rimmer allowed himself a smug smirk. “So get to it, you metal moron.”
v^v^v
“This is a new low, Rimmer,” Lister said as Rimmer smugly counted out the Mynopoly money they would start the game with. “Even for you.”
“I prefer to think of it as deserved victory,” Rimmer replied. “And just to show what a good sport I am, I’ll let you go first without making you roll for it.”
Lister raised his eyebrows. “What, really? Isn’t that against the rules?”
“You’re right,” Rimmer agreed, the constant smirk he’d been wearing since Lister finally capitulated widening, “it would be against the rules. Never mind.”
Lister sighed. “Fine. Let’s just get this over with, Minotaur.”
v^v^v
Three hours later, Rimmer was seething. “You’re cheating again; I know it.”
“No proof, no case,” Lister said, counting his money in a particularly obnoxious way. “Face it, Rimmer, I’m better than you at Mynopoly. And the next time you land on one of my properties, you’ll have to admit it.”
“No one is better!” Rimmer rolled the dice, confident that without the karma drive interfering, his Mynopoly luck would finally kick in. To his dismay, his roll had him landing on a fully developed property, forcing him into bankruptcy.
Lister watched him go, shaking his head. Rimmer was one of the sorest losers he’d ever met.
“How did you cheat, sir?” asked Kryten. “He made sure you had nothing up your sleeves, even going so far as to make you change clothes before letting you sit down to play.”
“C’mon, Kryten, don’t you trust me?”
“No, sir.”
Lister leaned back in his chair. “Well then…just supposing I did want to cheat..the smart thing to do would be to prepare for it well in advance by secreting money and other useful items close by.”
“But, from the time you agreed to play until the game commenced, Mr Rimmer never let the box out of his sight.”
“True. But he’d already made his intention to coerce me into playing him quite clear. There was plenty of time to do a careful raid while he thought I was looking for the cat.”
Kryten shook his head admiringly. “Mr Lister, you truly excel at deception. If only I had your skills.”
“Tell you what,” Lister replied. “Your lie mode could do with some backup; let’s restart your lessons. We’ll call it a ‘Mechanoid Development Program,’ focusing on something new each month.”
“Would you really, sir?”
“Absolutely. Come on. We’ll start with a refresher on lying and then move on to more complicated stuff.”
It was nice to have something to look forward to.